And what a life it is...
I went to another rehearsal tonight that made me really miss Northwestern. Maybe that's awful of me to think, but I didn't really appreciate how great the musicians there really were. They pulled me up to a great level... and I guess I was just hoping that the level I was at wasn't going to be my peak.
So when I called Tom tonight to say goodnight after the rehearsal, I told him all of this... how some of the stuff I was doing just wasn't challenging me. How I was missing having amazing talent around to push me. And then I told him I was seriously considering at some point going back to school to get another degree.
He seemed a little taken aback by this, and freaked out, saying this kind of thing was coming out of the blue. My first reaction was my usual, irrational I-know-more-than-you-therefore-you're-wrong reaction, which poor Tom has had to deal with frequently. (And for the rest of our lives, the lucky devil.) I hung up feeling tense and frustrated, slowly realizing the impact of what I just said. It was a big deal. It didn't exactly come out of the blue, but it was the first time I really vocalized it. Portland is just so great on paper: I love the town, and I'm able to make money gigging and teaching... enough to live off of. Something just isn't working out...
That's when I saw the lit up cross on the hill in front of me. I'd never seen it before, because I've actually never approached Portland from the north at nighttime. And it wasn't like a religious epiphany, it just reminded me of the cross I'd see on the mountains coming home at night when I lived in Lakewood. It was back when I had everything figured out, knowing exactly what my next step was.
That's when I realized I'm 24 and for the first time in my life, could very easily not have an Ultimate Casey Plan for Happiness.
I spent the next 20 minutes crying with Ben Folds playing in the car... which, I realized, was an objectively beautiful scene, which made me cry even more.
I decided at this point that my hunger pangs were probably not helping, so I decided to take myself to Safeway and get whatever sounded good at that moment. Here's the contents of what my bags ended up being:
1 jar of Tostitos salsa con queso
1 jug of ruby red grapefruit juice
4 small bottles of vitamin water
1 bottle of Dr. Pepper
3 oranges
I had started composing this list in my head, and managed to compose myself by the time I reached Safeway because I was laughing so hard at the combination of stuff that was sounding good. So, face only slightly flushed and my panic at a quiet roar, I snacked on chips, queso, and grapefruit juice.
What does this mean, exactly? For the near future, nothing. I really do love it here, and after the emotional hell I went through adjusting to life here, how could I put myself through that again? Maybe I can continue to look for musical satisfaction elsewhere. Keep traveling to LA, keep performing recitals... and hoping something comes out of it.
Ech. I'm off to play Tetris and forget about this night of declaring things out loud.
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