Of course, today, I graduated to only one crutch, and it felt like the best thing in the world. And I did some Pilates tonight to make myself feel better from not walking back and forth from school.
I scheduled my recital today - it's five weeks away, on the evening of May 23rd. All of the sudden, I have a deadline. And all of the sudden, my musicality came flooding back to me. So much so, that I felt like standing on a chair, screaming in a practice room, "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN??"
Somewhere around October, I became a robot with no musical feeling. I was getting better, but I wasn't feeling like me. I allowed just a bit of what I felt made me so good at UNC to come back tonight, and I felt like a long dark night was over and the sun could finally rise again.
Look, Northwestern, here's the deal. I am a REALLY great musician. Somewhere in the beginning, I wasn't taught all the necessary stuff I was supposed to be taught. But there is all this incredible musicality in me just ACHING to get out. And damnit, I WILL get it out. Right now I feel like it's trapped inside me - like I'm trying to get lime juice from a lime that hasn't been cut open yet.
You have to believe me, Northwestern, I have FABULOUS stuff going on in my head all the time. I'm creative, and desperately in need to share this stuff with you. You have to believe me... I'm amazing. And shit, if I have to wait until my recital to prove that to you... well, I guess that's what I'm gonna have to do.
I have a quiz to study for tomorrow and fingerings to copy into my Prokofiev part. And no matter how much I beg, I've got five weeks to really get my act together and prove myself here. I can do this. You've just got to have a smidgen of faith.
UNC believed me, Northwestern. I know you're a tougher egg to crack, but you've got to give me a chance.
People can hear me coming from a mile away. I want that to be true with my music, too.
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