Seriously - my time on the computer three or four years ago used to be pouring my heart out, wondering who I am and why I wasn't happy. I now have a better grasp of who I am and I'm pretty happy in general. This is a lot to say for many people, not just me, I realize. But my philosophy on life is draining slowly to make way for the panic fog that is settling in and consuming my life. It has a voice, too - here's what it sounds like:
Caaaaaseeeeeey... if you don't get your buuuuuuutt in geeeeeear, you will never get a joooooooob...
Spooky, huh? I know it gave me goosebumps.
By taking a look around the past few weeks, I see a lot of people with new mortar boards and tassels to be thrown in boxes and pulled out in twenty years when they're looking through their crap and going, "Oh yeah... that's what this looked like." And now I'm realizing that I'm only a year away from an unavoidable vacuum known as the real world. I've never faced the real world. The protection of college has kind of blinded me to a super real job (i.e. one where I can have health benefits and a vision plan so I can read music clearly again), and now I realize that all the score studying and intonation work in the world can't really prepare me for what it looks like. And in a year, I'll be sitting on a hot lawn - again - with a robe and a hood on my shoulders (pink for music, isn't that cute?) thinking, "Well, this is it. Huh."
It's one of those times where I can see myself happy and established somewhere. But this place is such a question mark that its worked its way into a mythical image in my brain. And yet I need to focus on my violin more than ever now, even though I'm racing towards the finish line. I feel like I'm driving and trying to read at the same time. You can gather some information from the text, but all in all, your eyes have to be on the road.
Will I eventually return to dreamy spiritual Casey? The one I was so proud to become in Colorado and have pushed aside for the moment for the sake of planning the future? I don't have time to be that Casey anymore, I just don't. Please, someone tell me I can be that Casey again someday. The reasonable part of me is now staying steady, but my creative conciousness is beginning to suffocate.
I don't think LA can come fast enough this year.
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