"...in colloquial speech, "limbo" is any status where a person or project is held up, and nothing can be done until another action happens."
And really, I feel like so many facets of my life are contained within this definition.
For instance, I've got all my basic degree requirements down for my masters. But I won't actually be able to call myself a recipient of one until I walk in graduation on June 16th. My jury's done, my recital's done, and I have no finals, save the one performance of the Ravel sonata in collaborative piano class that I can honestly say I'm not that worried about. And there's one final orchestra concert on June 2nd, but it's not my big last one, as I have finished my reign as principal second and I'm now shoved in the back of the first violins because of all the rehearsals I'm missing for this particular concert.
Then there's the bigger limbo, which is living here. I've got a job (and hopefully a couple others to follow within the next couple weeks) waiting for me in September. And it's not here. It makes no sense for me to move to Portland right away, as I already have a summer job here, and it'd be a pain to sublet my apartment as my lease ends in August. When I moved to Chicago, I felt like it fit - this was where I needed to be, because this was where my opportunities were at the time. And I still really, really like it here. Even in the stupid freezing winter months, Chicago's awful neat. But it's not where I need to be right now. I feel like I'm on an extended vacation, waiting to go back home to what is currently a strange and unfamiliar place. It's a weird feeling.
Then, of course, the relationship limbo. Tom and I have been planning a future together for a while. And while the qualification of the romantic hierarchy still label him as "boyfriend", I want to be able to describe him as more. He's not just the guy I'm seeing, not even just the guy I'm in love with. He's the guy I want to live with and experience life with and build a family with. But we both agreed it would be better to wait until we got our lives figured out individually to tackle this new, exciting chapter of unification. Well, it's figured out - Tom's going to be in Seattle for about 9 months and then he's moving in with me in Portland. We both have plans for next year. And while everything's looking pretty rosy for us so far, we both have this unspoken feeling that we should just wait around for a while before we make anything official. I think he has the Chicago Limbo Syndrome (CLS) as well.
It's hard to feel like I'm aiming towards anything, even though I know within just a few weeks things will start to happen awful fast. I leave on Friday to take some auditions in Portland, I come back to four more days of classes and an orchestra concert, and poof! It's over. My torrid feelings of excitement, humiliation, despair and elation intertwined with the greatest musical successes I've experienced thusfar will now be encapsulated into memories.
I feel like I'm involved in this extended goodbye - Chicago and I were together for a good couple of years, but now we both know that I'm leaving. And we're gonna try and enjoy every moment while I'm still here, but both of us kind of want to just rip off the bandaid and get the separation overwith.
CLS is the oddest mental syndrome I've ever experienced. And the only cure for it is time.
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