Whether it's the terrific friend that I wish I could help feel less stressed out and more appreciated, or someone I'm so worried about as far as future permanent plans go, or because I feel like I take a lot of time to learn music and feel invisible in an ensemble still, or just because I can't be with one of my best friends on her birthday.
Okay, there's really nothing I can do about this one, but I WOULD really like to be with her.
The stress, pressure, and constant feeling that I should be somewhere else is wearing on me. I've never felt so lost while having SUCH a clear plan ahead of me. And it feels weird to say this, and Lisa may widen her eyes in surprise here, but I miss Colorado. A lot. Because even though I knew I needed to dig my roots somewhere else for a while, I never felt like THIS.
Unfair, emotions. Unfair. I get you a great, steady relationship that's going somewhere, an advanced degree in a matter of months now, and a job in an EXCELLENT town that you enjoy and is close to where your companion is next year. And you STILL manage to be spiritually unsatisfied. I'm so lucky! And I know I'm lucky, and I don't want this to turn into an entry where I just complain about the wonderful things I have.
It's mysterious... this supposed emptiness kind of blindsided me. I suppose if I had all the answers to why I feel like I do, life wouldn't be as exciting. I'm sure having all the answers would make things pretty boring.