It's kind of impossible to be specific with the stuff that goes on in my head, but I ricochet back and forth to believing I'm quite a stable person to be anywhere from annoyed to outraged to panicked over the kind of thoughts I have.
It's not fair... I'm not following the logical progression of things. You think you have things figured out in highschool, you go to college and discover you don't, and then you really finally understand what's going on.
That goal is apparently unreachable, which is a little hard for me to deal with... this means that the person I knew even a year ago was going through one tiny little phase of being confident.
This comes startingly close to the beginning of being confident with my instrument. Seems I can have crappy lessons and a wonderfully comfortable personal life, or extremely profitable and well prepared lessons (by Ribeiro's standards, even!) and think I may need to step myself into counseling here before too long.
There's a lot to be said for the people I'm around here. They've all got so much going for them, and they're kind, wonderful, intelligent, and put together. But isn't it funny how much slower you bond with put-together people than if you're around kind, wonderful, intelligent, and crazed people who think as much as you do that no matter how hard they work, many things that they're working towards may turn out to be aimless and have no meaning?
These kind of run-on sentences have been spoken at a high decibel level by my inner monologue, who, no matter how much I try to appease, keeps pining for the aimless, philosophical life I had in Colorado. Where I could laugh with Kellen for hours about nothing, point out intricities of life with Teresa, make lude jokes while wasting time at the Wizard's Chest with Lisa, or rub undeservingly elitist elbows with Stacey. However many parellels I find to these people, I think I realize every day that they're so much a part of me, and I miss the way they make my crazy head seem so normal. We all saw each other at our best and worst, and will most likely continue to do so.
There are people here who see me as a more organized and put-together person that I really am. My friends who've seen me through so much since highschool and continue to do so.... they know better. And the best, most heart wrenching part of this is that we all still love each other while we're making our way through the world we're about five years behind understanding.
Nostalgia. It's a bitch sometimes. And I miss an awful lot of people.
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