The Rut:
I've been peeling away the layers of musicianship during my masters degree here - a painful, wonderful, anxiety-ridden and truly spiritual experience. All this has taught me a) that I really GET music, even if my talent hasn't caught up with my intellect just yet, and b) I could really feel this deep about lots and lots of stuff in the universe, just that music is the one I've chosen. I understand that typical "burnouts" in any field come from extreme concentration in one area and little to no concentration in anything else. I've had no time to read, no time to write, no time to just exert my energy in the form of exercise or terrible singing or anything. And when I practiced today, I could see improvement, and was fascinated by the meticulousness of my fingers. I finished one particular exercise and had ZERO motivation to do anything else. And why? Well, simply because I had nothing waiting for me at the end of my practice time. I could lay around, wait for Tom to get home from work, watch some righteous digital cable... but nothing was grabbing my intellect the way I've been pining for.
The Potential Solution:
I've wanted to be a writer for a really long time. And it's not something I really pursued seriously, because I've always been going to school for music. I guess I've been figuring that somewhere along the line, I'd have time to take up my love of writing again and maybe publish a little something for people to react to anonymously. My epiphany today? There's nothing really stopping me from writing. I've been afraid to pursue something because of the nagging feeling that I'd have to abandon it for music... which would make me resent music instead of enjoy it - something which I'm always lecturing everybody else not to do. I'm a strict believer that one should work hard to do well without missing the point of what they're doing - my best teachers have always told me this.
I believe this break should be a chance to explore some regions of my creativity that I've put on hold... oh, since I've gone into college. Afternoons with Beth discussing Veliccia are thrilling, and Denali and Menniara deserve to play again. Alice and Jefferey are on permanent display in life in my mind, never earning their rightful salvation. And the script I dabbled with this summer that was semi autobiographical deserves another shot.
I was told during my senior year in highschool by a man who would later go on to forget me that I was meant to be an artist. Perhaps I can go on to fulfill this destiny - and perhaps this will allow me to enjoy my first destiny even more than I already to. Use one destiny to soften the devastating blows of the other one.
The pain of purpose. I think this is what life seems to be about.
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