One of those flashback montages hit and I was careened back two years to my audition weekend at Northwestern.
As much as it pains me to say it, Ribeiro is totally right and I played my Barber SOOOOO out of tune when I auditioned. My musicality was there, and my sound was awesome. I had a lot to offer, and at our meeting after the audition, he was very quick to say that he would love it if I could attend. I went back to UNC convinced that if you work hard enough, you really can acheive anything.
And since then, my ear has gotten more and more critical. I've found myself around tons of mentors that have inspired me beyond belief. I've gone under more emotional stress these two years than maybe even my undergrad. (Or at least different kinds of stress.) Actually, a lot of my theories and philosophies on life have changed.
The critical things change, and the critical things stay the same. Huh.
Chris and I were having lunch the other day, and he mentioned that he thought he changed more in grad school than he did in undergrad. I'm not sure if I agree (because as my undergrad blogs will show, there were areas of my life where I made a complete 180), but I do know I still changed a lot.
It was weird... when I went to undergrad, I knew it was best for me to stay close enough to home. And when I graduated, I knew it was best for me to get out of state. I guess I was just surprised with exactly how great of an idea it was for me to do this both times. Sometimes I just amaze myself with how much trust I put in my instincts... when really I have very little outward or objective reason to. Because it seems to kick in at the most crucial points in my life, and kind of shuts down and lets my brain run the show the rest of the time.
I have very little evidence to explain the beauty of human instinct, but once it kicks in and tells me it's a good idea to do something, there's no bad track record to argue with. Since the decision my junior year of All-State to pursue violin over all my other interests, it's told me to go to UNC and study with Fuchs, go to grad school here in Evanston, and take that audition 100% in Portland. It's made very few decisions, but I couldn't say it was ever wrong.
I wonder if there's a quota of instinctual decisions we have. Whether or not to get married, have a family, take certain jobs, make decisions about aging parents... and if you reach that quota early, does it not work as well later on? Or maybe it's something that gets even more honed and efficient with time - and these decisions become progressively easier and I don't sweat over them as much.
It's something I think about so rarely, because when it does come in to play, it seems to do all the work for me. Perhaps I don't give this part of myself enough credit.
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